Therapist Spotlight: Ben on Connection, Vulnerability, and Breaking Stigma

Ben's path to becoming a therapist started with a simple observation: he was always the friend people turned to. Now, years later, he brings that same curiosity about people, and a deep belief that nobody has to carry their struggles alone, to his work with couples and adults navigating relationship challenges, identity questions, and life change. In this conversation, Ben opens up about why nearly everyone apologizes for crying in his office (and why they shouldn't), and what it means to truly be present with someone's pain.

---

What inspired you to become a mental health counselor?

I always had an interest in people and was that friend people would come to for advice in high school. I didn't make that connection at the time, but I always enjoyed helping people share more than I liked sharing myself, or helping more than talking about my own things.

I never thought “I could be a counselor" until college. We had a child counselor come in and talk in one of my psychology classes, and I thought that would be just awesome. 

I've also always loved sitting and people watching. Seeing how different they are, learning more about yourself. I could sit at a park for an hour and just kind of watch and not have anything to do. Some people are like, “That's kind of creepy." And I'm like, “No, it's fun. It's people. People do all sorts of different things."

I think it's that general interest in people, and I get to be in conversation with them where maybe they haven't shared that with anybody else. And that's a really big honor for me, to see behind the mask.

Where did you grow up?

I grew up in San Leandro, California, right next to Oakland. I've been in Spokane since 2016. My best memories include going to Giants games with my dad in San Francisco. Really fun times, especially when the Giants were winning. I consider Spokane home now, but I do love going back.

How did you end up in Spokane?

It’s the last place I thought I'd be! Like every other California kid, I wanted to go to the UC system. My mom's cousin in Coeur d'Alene talked a lot about Gonzaga basketball, so I applied thinking, “I probably won't go here, but I'll apply."

Then I did Zag Weekend where you stay overnight with freshmen and do all these events. That really sold me. It felt like home. I'm very thankful I came here. I ended up staying for grad school for marriage and family counseling and just built a life here. Really, it's the relationships and the people. I still talk to a lot of my roommates. Some of them live close to me now.

What clients do you work best with?

Couples and 30 to 50-year-old clients who are working on relational issues. Even if it's anxiety or depression, a lot of it tends to come back to our relationships with other people, and a lot of times our relationship with ourselves or lack thereof.

Also clients who don't know why things are feeling empty or overwhelming in their life but want some change. I love helping them make those connections. I'll see young adults too. Lately I've been seeing a lot of individual parents. I've really loved that more than I thought I would. Especially helping them find their own identity outside being a parent.

For working with parents finding their identity, what does that work look like?

It all comes back to an attachment framework. Helping people parent not from their traumatized past self, but parent from who they are now, is really empowering.

There's also this epidemic now of adults 30-plus saying, “I can't make friends, or it's too late to make friends.” And I believe it’s never too late, we all deserve friendships no matter what stage of life we’re in. Just normalizing that. I hear that all the time. Or they've made big changes in their life, like they're sober now and don't want to be around certain people anymore. I love normalizing it and helping people connect, because there's a lot of loneliness now.

What modalities or approaches do you use?

Definitely EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) is my base. A lot of attuning to the present moment. Some of my most powerful moments in session are when clients notice the emotion but they don't want to say it. It’s powerful to help them express what they're feeling.

Even in the first appointment, a client says, “My relationships are falling apart," and then they continue on, but I’m like, “Wait, what's that like? That must be really scary." That both helps build rapport and helps them feel heard. Creating enactments with couples too, having them sit in that emotion and have corrective experiences is really huge.

I also use Gottman to give couples something concrete to grab onto at the beginning. It has a lot of great, easy-to-learn skills that can make a difference and helps normalize things.

Person-centered work and unconditional positive regard is really important for me. I used to struggle with giving kindness to clients who weren't kind to me, but I've grown a lot. I find that fostering an open and kind space, even in the intense or angry moments, helps build trust that we can get through the hard times. That approach really makes a difference over time.

I also really like DBT skills such as progressive muscle relaxation and leaves on a stream. I really believe in connecting to the nervous system, and just the base layer of coping skills I've introduced makes a big difference.

What do you think people most misunderstand about therapy?

That you're broken if you come to therapy, or you need to be fixed, or you're weak. That still really permeates. Nearly everybody apologizes for crying in my office. That’s normal. 

That's something I try to work on. This is a space where we share emotions. Emotions, at their core, give us vital information. They tell us something about our needs. There's a reason they bubble up. Just trying to destigmatize the idea that talking about your feelings is weak.

Stoic and strong get caught up together. If you're a stoic person, great. But I find most people aren't, and it's okay to show emotion. It's okay to be upset or happy or prideful. We can be strong and have emotion. It doesn't have to be great all the time. Actually, nobody is fine all the time. I use that one a lot. Everybody, even that perfect family you're comparing yourself to, they've got their stuff.

I hear a lot of people say, “I can't tell my mom I'm in counseling." I just love exploring that. Not like “you should be proud of it," but why? What would happen? What's that reaction you're afraid of? Those are really powerful conversations. If you can turn that stigma, you can get them to buy into the work.

What's one or two things you want clients to know before they start counseling with you?

It'll be at their pace. It doesn't have to be “sit on my couch and spill everything right away," unless you want to. We take our time. We'll get to know each other. I'm willing to share about myself too. For some clients that is of zero importance, they could care less. But for others, it's really helpful to know that I'm a human, who I am, if that helps us get to know each other.

Yes, we'll do therapeutic stuff, but I want to know about the updates in your life. It doesn't all have to be negative. A lot of times that's where we end up. And of course, we're going to talk about the heavy stuff, but we'll also share and celebrate your victories.

When therapy is going well, what does it look or feel like?

At the beginning, there's anxiety, but as things get better, you look forward to sessions. You want to talk, share, ask questions. Outside of sessions, you're noticing things more: “Oh, I fell into that anxiety mindset, had to clean everything, but I paused and noticed it. I was able to use a mindfulness skill." Or one of the big ones: “I talked to a friend about something I never could have before, and their reaction was a lot better than I thought." You're taking those vulnerability steps and feeling more empowered.

You're also looking forward to interactions with others. If a bad interaction is coming up, it doesn't cloud the rest of your day. You can bracket it and set boundaries.

For me, it's also about the client's insight. Are they recognizing the patterns that are making them miserable?

What's your favorite or go-to mental wellness tip?

They all sound so cheesy, but I like finding a moment for yourself. It's been really empowering for me. It doesn't have to be “go to the spa" or “take a bath." Just check in with yourself. Life speeds me up. That's my tendency. What's valuable for me is to meditate, take a breath, just notice how I'm feeling, or take a walk and acknowledge frustration if that's there.

Especially with parents or people with a lot of obligations. They put themselves last. If we get in the habit, it becomes rigid and narrow. That's when we feel miserable. So take a moment for yourself, check in, give yourself breaks and don't let people take that moment from you.

What is the most rewarding or best part about being a counselor?

People feeling less lonely. That's really rewarding. That someone in the world is isolated, maybe not physically but emotionally, and they finally admit, “I cry in the shower every day," or “I'm overwhelmed by this." To see them take that leap, it's rewarding to be the one who provides the space to make them feel safe. Whether in the first session or the twentieth, I feel very lucky.

Also being attuned with them in that scared or overwhelmed space in a way they can't be with others. I feel blessed that I can help people feel comfortable and authentic about their pain, because that's the first step toward change.

How has being a therapist changed the way you see people and relationships?

The big thing for me: everybody goes through stuff. That's a big relief. It’s not that everybody's miserable, but nobody has a perfect life. I've learned this through sitting with clients and through my own experience. Everyone goes through stuff. It's about acknowledging it and how we handle it.

People are also quite resilient. Some clients have a vast history of trauma and they still fulfill their responsibilities everyday. It makes me appreciate how resilient humans are. Maybe they feel miserable, but they're functioning, they have a job, they're still going. That's incredible to me, and we can build on that. We can move from “just functioning” to beginning to enjoy ourselves.

What's a fun fact about you that people might not know?

I'm super competitive. I love board games. If someone says, “Let's do this for fun," I'm still out to win, I'm going for it. If I'm playing charades, best be ready because I'm going all out. People might see calm Ben in session, but if you get me playing basketball, the beast comes out.

Reach out to the Center for Family Development here to schedule an appointment with Ben or any of our other therapists.